I have to be honest. The past week has been an incredibly trying one for me. I've struggled with being a mom, I've struggled with my decision to stay at home, I've struggled with life in general.
Josie, my mom and I went to Milwaukee for the weekend. We returned Sunday evening, and when we woke up on Monday morning, Josie was a total bear to be around. She was constantly whining, eventually developed a fever, wouldn't stop crying, wouldn't sleep. That Tuesday she and I literally got maybe 2 hours of sleep.
Since she was out of the newborn stage and slept all the time, she has only gone to sleep before 10:00 pm one time. ONE.TIME. I lurked on The Bump one day on the 3-6 month board and saw a poll on bedtimes. Not one person answered later than 9:00. I sat on the floor and cried.
I've done that a lot the past 10 days. My lovable, snuggly, easy-mannered baby turned into something I didn't know. And I had no idea how to handle it.
I understand there are pros/cons to both being a working mom and being a stay at home mom. But for 4 or 5 days, I longed for a break. I thought I might lose my mind.
Prior to this, she would usually sleep from 11:00 pm - 4:00 or 5:00 am, wake up for an hour or so, then go back to sleep for a few hours. This certainly wasn't ideal - I don't think she gets enough sleep in a day - but during this stretch, she was up damn near every hour. And crying. Inconsolable crying.
Then yesterday afternoon I took her on a walk. At 5:00 pm, I swear to you it's like a switch was flipped and she went back to being herself. She went to sleep at 10:45 pm last night, woke up at 5:15, back to sleep at 6:00 and woke up for the day at 9:15.
This afternoon she had her 4 month check-up with her new pediatrician. We had a good talk about sleep issues and discussed options, found out she was a completely healthy/happy baby, and got her 4 month shots. Tonight, the screaming started again, which I thought it might, but after some ibuprofen, she's asleep (at 9:15 pm). Who knows for how long, but I'll take it.
I often times feel like a failure. I hate it. I'm way too hard on myself in my new role as a mom (how long can I consider it "new"?). She and I are still learning, and I know and appreciate that. There are times I get so frustrated I have to leave the room for a minute (which I always feel guilty about), but more often than not I just cannot get over how much I love this little person.
So, milestones. She's a roller! 2 weeks ago she rolled from her back to her belly (apparently it's normal to go from belly to back first - of course she would do it backwards). Yesterday she pulled her knees up underneath her then dove forward about a foot, which really threw me off guard. She's always in a different spot when she wakes up than she was when I put her down for bed.
I absolutely loved getting the chance to introduce her to my friends in Milwaukee. We had a photo shoot with a friend that is an awesome photographer, and she sent me a sneak peek of some of the images, making me even more excited to see the rest of them.
I can't believe my little baby turns 19 weeks tomorrow. Where does the time go!?
2 comments:
You have no idea how much of this we can relate to. Our little Bean kept us up every few hours each night until her 6 month birthday. It's totally crazymaking! We felt inadequate and, worse, like we didn't agree on anything, which led to blow-up fights in the middle of the night. (We are not fighters by nature.) Both Jenn and I lost it on occassion, breaking down in tears, leaving rooms...and any time it came to that, we felt like the worst moms (and the worst people) in the world. While it's gotten better, we still have moments when "me time" is absolutely necessary. We've gotten better at allowing myself to be imperfect. There is no universal secret to make parenting easier...all we can do is our best, which is what you're doing. Hang in there! Oh, and when does this stop feeling new? I don't think it ever stops feeling new. Whatever age they're at, we haven't parented before. so, we can try to control, or we can relax and enjoy as much as we can...b/c, yes, the time goes WAY too fast.
I'm sure you are a great mom! It does get extremely frustrating, especially when you are lacking sleep. Babies do go through those no sleep phases- teething, ear infections, illness. I just went through a difficult stage with Meredith where I was at my wits end and she's 4 1/2. Even my mom couldn't offer advice, but now we're through it thank goodness. Hang in there, try to get a break, maybe find a stay at home mom's group for support, play dates, and nights out.
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